What can you do when every decision you make shatters another small piece of your soul?
When you have to walk away from something that you think might be amazing.
When you choose to bury yourself in layers of bad judgment and ice, just to get away from the pain.
When every bitter, twisted, amazing, delicious moment in your memory floods to the surface after years of being forgotten?
When keeping busy no longer means not being idle, but rather that you'll be too busy to remember.
When mania is covering depression.
When control is masking confusion.
When you realize that you're so sick in the head and at heart that even years of therapy probably couldn't help you begin to fix what's wrong with you.
When you thought you were doing fine, and in the span of 48 hours, realize that NOTHING is fine.
What can you do when you try to walk away, but find that you haven't actually been moving at all?
Now I've deluded myself into thinking I was walking away. But I wasn't. I was motionless. I just chose to make myself believe that I had moved far, far away.
Now I've forced myself to finally make that first step.
The worst part is, my judgment is awful right now because of it. Manic, depressive. Manic, depressive. I've gone completely psychotic.
However, this doesn't worry me.
It's that previous statement that worries me.
It doesn't BOTHER me that I have done so many things lately that I swore I'd never do in my lifetime.
But the fact that it doesn't bother me DOES worry me.
I get a rush from it, a high, if you will. How far can I push the boundaries I have always seen as 'safe?' What if there aren't any boundaries anymore? How far could I go?
That could be very, very dangerous.
Let me add just another thing to my list of things I 'have' to do. Let me fill up every hour of every day and night with things that are exhausting, physically and mentally.
Let me go insane.
I want to laugh and cry and scream and run. I want to get away, I want to be someone new. I am tired of being confused and torn two different ways; either by conscience and guilt or words and thoughts. I want to cut the threads of my old life and let them drift away, if only so I can spin myself a cocoon of protective layers against anything and everything around me.
What happens when trust means nothing anymore?
When love is just a fairytale?
When what you are is something you'd never want to see in anyone else. When who you are is something you want to have nothing to do with?
Jesus, I need therapy.
Revelation 21:5-6
ReplyDeleteAnd He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." And He said, "Write, for these words are faithful and true." Then He said to me, "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost."